Zoe Hatcher's Blog

I've been reading through the one year bible, and now in the Old Testament portion, I'm on Job. Job is a hard book for anyone to read at the best of times. But any time I've tried to figure out my questions (like why did God point out Job to satan? Why did God allow satan to attack him that way? Why would he want Job tested in that way? Could this happen to me?) The truth is that I don't know the answers and really don't want to know the answers. Maybe that's the fear in me. But I find that like Job's friends, whenever I try to answer any spiritual question, I end up in some blogged or journaled soliloquy about what I know. When really in the end I find out that I know nothing. Maybe that's why I haven't posted a blog in so long... I realize that talking about something like you know the answers, sometimes can sound a little...um...haughty. Especially when you find out you don't know what you're talking about. Job's friends went on what they knew about God, which was limited, and tried to encourage Job, but ended up preaching to him. And in the end, they were corrected. So, I can offer what I know, what I've lived, which isn't much in the scheme of things. But in the end. God's the one to clear things up.
Probably more often I've been on the end of Job. Not losing everything I have, by any means. But having all the questions, and trying to figure things out. And when you don't hear any answers, making up your own. And then in the end, getting lambasted by God, because I couldn't just wait on Him. I couldn't just trust Him to tell me what I needed to know. I couldn't let His nature and what I knew of Him already be enough. I have journal entries that go on for 12 pages of whining, and it's like God saying, "Ok, are you done? Here's what happened... And here's your part in it." My husband thinks I'm neurotic, with love, I'm sure... ;) But sometimes I get so emotionally congested that it takes me breaking down where I finally realize I've reached system failure. When I can't go on any more until I get alone with God and work out all of my baggage. And until, I've unpacked each item, unfolded it, and aired it out, I can't think straight. It happens about once a month... Ladies, anyone? :) I would love for it to not be a part of who I am. Glory to glory, right? But there are some parts of Job and the psalms where I just think, yeah... that's how I feel. God wants us to be others focused, not self-focused, so I frustrate myself when I have to take that time. Why can't I just suck it up? Go out and serve somebody with a smile on your face! And sometimes I do, but usually I'm seething underneath. And everyone can tell... That my smile is really baring my teeth... :) So I guess this rambling is trying to say, that I need time alone with God. That closet time that everyone tells us we're supposed to have but I never get to have until it's too late. And then you don't know what to say because you've been functioning on E for a month, and you really have nothing left talk about. Because it's been a month... I'll have to do something about that... And that I've figured out that I don't have it all figured out. Praise God!