sex after marriage

I've been in the ministry for 16.5 years. Of that I've pastored 11.5 years. I've been married almost 9 years.
In this time frame I've done much marriage counseling and there are some pretty stereotypical issues you'll hear and have to address. I've heard enough both stereotypical issues and some very non-stereotypical issues that nothing really suprizes me... and I can usually see both points of view and help people make some sense of their problems... there always is two sides to every story and always something that each spouse can work on to make the marriage better.

But, I never understand one continuously resurfacing issue among married couples... Why is it, that majority of married couples couldn't keep themselves off each other to such a degree that most have sex before their married, and that quite often, but once they get married it would seem that there is this switch that gets flipped in a woman and all of the sudden they don't seem to understand or care how big of a deal sex is to their man.

Most women dress with some cleavage showing, a little midriff exposed, perhaps a little leg, prettied up with makeup, nails, and a hair job. Why? What's the point of putting it out there if their not going to put out? And I mean put out to their husbands.

And if they have no intention of putting out, why show off in a way that gets a guys attention? Unless, they are trying to get ANOTHER guys attention.

You can tell me that your husband doesn't meet your emotional needs or is a jerk or doesn't make enough money or doesn't father the kids right or whatever... and use this as the excuse for why your marriage sucks and why you don't feel very desirous for sex, but why then ditty up to be attractive catching both your husbands and other mens attention?

The fact is to all the men I've ever talked to sex is a big deal.

The bottom line, is while I hear regularly from disgruntled couples about how finances, communication, and kids are a problem and I can understand from both spouses perspective, I never understand why a woman thinks that having infrequant to no sexual relations shouldn't matter or make a difference in the marriage, especially since they can "justify it".

But, for these poor husbands that are struggling with a LOOK BUT DON'T TOUCH wife they are ANGRY. That's right! They tell me they have a lot of anger and resentment toward their wives. This hostility is obviously unhealthy and destructive to the marriage.

And, because they are normal healthy males they have sexual desires that are teased and unmet making the temptation to stray or lust all the more powerful.

Yes, I believe that there is no excuse for a man to compromise and cave in to sexual temptation. Yes, I believe there are many things some of these husbands need to improve on and start doing to romance and care for their wife and family.

But, shouldn't this sex thing be an understood thing? Didn't both of you want to have before marriage?

Now the other side of the coin... First let me say, that if you're a woman in a marriage where the guy is a dictator like jerk who is very unloving, mean, even abusive, selfish, and leaving you feel wounded and abandoned... I completely understand why you wouldn't want to even touch the man let alone have sex with him. And, I also understand the hidden emotional need that tempts you to find gratification in the attention and affection from other men. I'm not condoning any adulterous behavior, but I understand the factors and the pull they have.

I do understand that sex for a woman is not just a physical act for personal pleasure... and it was never intended by the Creator to be just that, so the normal woman, if there is not some kind of emotional connection will not feel like having sex. Bottom line! And the more anger and coldness that comes between her and her husband the lack of desire only increases.

Many men forget the fact that they wooed their wife to get her to marry him. The swept her off her feet and made her feel like she was the most important and beautiful person in the world. Then they get married and focus all their attention on work and hobbies. Then they wonder why their wife doesn't want to have sex on a frequent basis.

It would seem to me that both husbands and wives are forgetting what it took to catch their mate... and failing to understand that it will take that to keep them.

I'm so blessed in my marriage, but it breaks my heart as I see couple after couple growing apart instead of closer together.

I see the men dropping the relational ball, with a consequence they don't like. They cease wooing their wives and thus cease to get what they desire, but instead are met with coldness, resentment, anger, hostility, divorce, or an affair.

I see women dropping the sexual ball, with the a consequence they don't like. They cease to capture their husbands affection and attraction and the cease to get the relational intrest and care they desire, but instead are met with resentment, anger, hostility, coldness, divorce, or an affair.

Often this condition can be seen, but then the argument comes of who will pick of the ball first. While I lean heavily on men to be the leader in their home I also have this to say... If you see the problem, don't wait for someone else to initiate and fix it, you pick up the ball and start working on your part.

Matthew 5 and Matthew 18 tell us if we know some one is hurt by us or that we hurt them, we aren't to wait until they come to us or until they do their part. No, we are to step up and go to them and do our part.

My prayers are that we will wake up to how God wired each of us and how Satan is exploiting our differnces using our selfishness to bring division and destruction to our family relationships.