Do I care? Do I believe?

I’ve been serving Jesus now for 18 years, 13.5 of which has been in pastoral ministry. I’ve studied hard, preached as accurately and in line with scripture as I could. I’ve tried to hit all the important topics and even the not so important ones. I’ve worked to make biblical principles and application clear, so we can know what the Bible says and do what the Bible says.

Some of the topics I’ve addressed in the last 16 months are sex (4), relationships (13), Finances (5), life fulfillment (4), leadership (2), attitude (2), healing (1), spiritual disciplines (11), mission (13); false spirituality (4); practical Christian living (8) and within each series I address many other issues we face as human beings.

The point: In this time I’ve watched people continue to struggle with poor financial management even though I’ve preached on the subject 5 times. I’ve seen relationships suffering and even ending in divorce even though I’ve taught on healthy relationships at least 13 times. In spite of preaching on mission and personal responsibility and life fulfillment about 25 times very few of our people are really sharing Jesus with the lost. And in spite of talking about spiritual disciplines at least 11 times we still have people that are not reading their Bibles, making prayer a priority, are not connected in fellowship, are not generally applying the Bible as they learn it, and in a nutshell aren’t maturing.

So what? Well, I have had to ask myself the question… What will make the difference? Because year after year I see some peoples lives transformed and others stay bad or even get worse. Even in my own life, knowing what I know, there are times I fail to experience God’s best in particular areas of my life. Why?

Why have some people heard the messages I’ve taught and they’ve grown and benefited from them? Their life and relationships and finances have been changed! But others have heard the same messages and been unchanged or perhaps have even gotten worse.

What is the answer? What’s the difference between these two groups? It’s not the message I teach, that’s the same for both.

I realized while driving for 4 hours and talking with Marne (my wife) that THE key issue is three things:

1) Do I care? Meaning, do I the individual care about the issues in my life and trying to change them and thus do I care about what I can learn and apply from the message of God’s word?

Relationships… Do I really care about the person(s) I’m in relationship with and thus do I care what this message is saying about how I can experience God’s best in this area of my life?

Finances… Do I really care about being a good steward, having financial freedom, pleasing God, helping others, and being out of debt and thus do I care what this message is saying about how I can experience God’s best in this area of my life?

The degree that people care is the degree that transformation becomes possible, because it’s to the same degree that information becomes more than just data, but life!

The honest answer for most people on this first question is, NO! I’m content to live in this mess. I’m to tired or lazy or hopeless to put forth the effort it will take to even try to change if it’s even possible. And that leads us to #2.

2) Do I believe? Meaning, do I the individual believe that with God and doing things His way my circumstance can really change and be great instead of nominal. Do I believe God will really keep His promise to change this situation?

This can be a cause or an affect from the first issue of “Do I care?” but the point is, this is often the energy source needed to do what needs done to make the changes.

If I have no hope for the future, I’ll have no strength for the present.

If I don’t believe the goal is attainable, I will not be motivated to put forth effort to reach it.

Crazy thing is, what I believe I can do I can and what I believe I can’t do I can’t. Jesus made it very clear, according to our faith things happen.

3) Selfishness. Most people suffer and don’t experience God’s best because they’re not willing to die to the selfish desires in their life. They aren’t willing to kill the behavior that gives them mediocrity and surrender to and apply the behavior that will give them great.

Relationships… They know certain behaviors are destructive, but they don’t care, because they care more about gratifying themselves through the destructive behavior.

Finances… They know certain behaviors are poor stewardship, displeasing to God, and beyond their financial means, but they don’t care, because they want it and they want it now! If they can’t afford it, that’s okay, use plastic!

It’s easy to break these down and identify them in discussion, but in real life these are connected with each other, kind of like the triangle of death.

I would say in my humble assessment of the people I’ve ministered to over the years these are the 3 core issues of peoples being victorious or victims, living nominal lives or great lives, being spiritual dynamos or luke-warm religious folk. I’ve seen probably thousands of people hear the same information from me; some it helped and some it didn’t. What was the difference, the message or the heart of the hearer?

sex after marriage

I've been in the ministry for 16.5 years. Of that I've pastored 11.5 years. I've been married almost 9 years.
In this time frame I've done much marriage counseling and there are some pretty stereotypical issues you'll hear and have to address. I've heard enough both stereotypical issues and some very non-stereotypical issues that nothing really suprizes me... and I can usually see both points of view and help people make some sense of their problems... there always is two sides to every story and always something that each spouse can work on to make the marriage better.

But, I never understand one continuously resurfacing issue among married couples... Why is it, that majority of married couples couldn't keep themselves off each other to such a degree that most have sex before their married, and that quite often, but once they get married it would seem that there is this switch that gets flipped in a woman and all of the sudden they don't seem to understand or care how big of a deal sex is to their man.

Most women dress with some cleavage showing, a little midriff exposed, perhaps a little leg, prettied up with makeup, nails, and a hair job. Why? What's the point of putting it out there if their not going to put out? And I mean put out to their husbands.

And if they have no intention of putting out, why show off in a way that gets a guys attention? Unless, they are trying to get ANOTHER guys attention.

You can tell me that your husband doesn't meet your emotional needs or is a jerk or doesn't make enough money or doesn't father the kids right or whatever... and use this as the excuse for why your marriage sucks and why you don't feel very desirous for sex, but why then ditty up to be attractive catching both your husbands and other mens attention?

The fact is to all the men I've ever talked to sex is a big deal.

The bottom line, is while I hear regularly from disgruntled couples about how finances, communication, and kids are a problem and I can understand from both spouses perspective, I never understand why a woman thinks that having infrequant to no sexual relations shouldn't matter or make a difference in the marriage, especially since they can "justify it".

But, for these poor husbands that are struggling with a LOOK BUT DON'T TOUCH wife they are ANGRY. That's right! They tell me they have a lot of anger and resentment toward their wives. This hostility is obviously unhealthy and destructive to the marriage.

And, because they are normal healthy males they have sexual desires that are teased and unmet making the temptation to stray or lust all the more powerful.

Yes, I believe that there is no excuse for a man to compromise and cave in to sexual temptation. Yes, I believe there are many things some of these husbands need to improve on and start doing to romance and care for their wife and family.

But, shouldn't this sex thing be an understood thing? Didn't both of you want to have before marriage?

Now the other side of the coin... First let me say, that if you're a woman in a marriage where the guy is a dictator like jerk who is very unloving, mean, even abusive, selfish, and leaving you feel wounded and abandoned... I completely understand why you wouldn't want to even touch the man let alone have sex with him. And, I also understand the hidden emotional need that tempts you to find gratification in the attention and affection from other men. I'm not condoning any adulterous behavior, but I understand the factors and the pull they have.

I do understand that sex for a woman is not just a physical act for personal pleasure... and it was never intended by the Creator to be just that, so the normal woman, if there is not some kind of emotional connection will not feel like having sex. Bottom line! And the more anger and coldness that comes between her and her husband the lack of desire only increases.

Many men forget the fact that they wooed their wife to get her to marry him. The swept her off her feet and made her feel like she was the most important and beautiful person in the world. Then they get married and focus all their attention on work and hobbies. Then they wonder why their wife doesn't want to have sex on a frequent basis.

It would seem to me that both husbands and wives are forgetting what it took to catch their mate... and failing to understand that it will take that to keep them.

I'm so blessed in my marriage, but it breaks my heart as I see couple after couple growing apart instead of closer together.

I see the men dropping the relational ball, with a consequence they don't like. They cease wooing their wives and thus cease to get what they desire, but instead are met with coldness, resentment, anger, hostility, divorce, or an affair.

I see women dropping the sexual ball, with the a consequence they don't like. They cease to capture their husbands affection and attraction and the cease to get the relational intrest and care they desire, but instead are met with resentment, anger, hostility, coldness, divorce, or an affair.

Often this condition can be seen, but then the argument comes of who will pick of the ball first. While I lean heavily on men to be the leader in their home I also have this to say... If you see the problem, don't wait for someone else to initiate and fix it, you pick up the ball and start working on your part.

Matthew 5 and Matthew 18 tell us if we know some one is hurt by us or that we hurt them, we aren't to wait until they come to us or until they do their part. No, we are to step up and go to them and do our part.

My prayers are that we will wake up to how God wired each of us and how Satan is exploiting our differnces using our selfishness to bring division and destruction to our family relationships.