The fog of Self-absorption

Self-absorption. It is when a person is so focused on themselves they loose sight of reality. Their focus is on what I WANT, what I FEEL, what I NEED ( this particular one is more an issue of perception that actual need. Need being by definition, something that is a necessity in sustaining life. In other words, you can’t live without it. An example of a real NEED would be air, water, etc.). They become consumed with this focus to the point that it’s really an obsession and they loose sight of reality. They live according to a false perception of life. The result is they make decisions that are not according to truth/wisdom. Many times these decisions are unlike them and contradict common sense. Almost always these decisions are destructive in one way or another and of coarse there is the negative impact on our experience with God. We enter this fog and loose our joy of the Lord, we loose a thankful and praising attitude, and we usually drop off in our prayer and Bible reading, only to take up a negative, pessimistic, victimized, depressed, gloomy attitude, becoming more prayerless, faithless, and viewing life less and less according to the reality of the truth of God. In this fog of self-absorption we loose sight of the truth/reality of circumstances and people, including ourselves. We begin to enter into this deception/delusion and perceive everyone and everything else as the reason for our unhappiness and dissatisfaction. With the fog of self-absorption we pass the responsibility and blame on other people and circumstances rather than recognizing the reality of the situation and our part in it.

This description sounds extreme and we may to quickly write ourselves off this list, but my experience is that all to many of us are SELF-ABSORBED / SELF-OBSESSED. Whether the obsession/focus is proactive (pleasing self, focusing on what I want) or reactive (pleasing self by justifying and victimizing self, focusing on what people or circumstances have done to me), either way you are still focused on self.

My finding is that very few people, even professed Christians/Jesus Followers, are absorbed or obsessed with pleasing Jesus and being more like him. I’m finding that many, maybe even most, are absorbed/obsessed/consumed with pleasing themselves and being Christ-follower/pleaser in name, but in lifestyle they are a self-follower/pleaser.

My finding is that it is our obsession with self that is the root of the majority of our problems and unhappiness in life. Our focus on self brings us the very results in life that cause us to be dissatisfied and unhappy, but we can’t see this because of the fog that self-absorption brings. We’re blinded by this desire to please self and so we can’t see that our very motivation to please self is what leaves us displeased. Our focus of making self happy is why we’re unhappy. As it is written in Galatians 6:7-8 DO NOT BE DECEIVED: GOD CANNOT BE MOCKED. A MAN REAPS WHAT HE SOWS. THE ONE WHO SOWS TO PLEASE HIS SINFUL NATURE, FROM THAT NATURE WILL REAP DESTRUCTION;

We are consumed with pleasing our Ego (being stressed about peoples opinion of us), pleasing our fleshly desires consuming whatever it wants (in whatever form that comes in from food, drink, drug, sex, to excessive sleep, excessive entertainment, and so on), and pleasing the desires of our eyes (we’re never happy/content with what we have. We always want more. The newest thing, The latest special edition, the faster version, the sparkle and the glitter, it’s a sale so I saved money!). The problem is none of this truly satisfies, fulfills, and brings meaning to life. It won’t make you truly happy.

We fail to recognize that this self-obsession of pleasing our Ego FOR OUR LIFE TO COUNT AND HAVE MEANING is what keeps it from counting and having real meaning, because it’s still ALL ABOUT ME and my exaltation/satisfaction/happiness. Our life will never count and never have real meaning until it is lived the Jesus way; FOR JESUS! For Jesus’ pleasure, glory, and satisfaction.

It’s funny, but many Christians are approaching live (especially life as a Christian) with the exact opposite mindset of what is written in Matthew 10, where Jesus says, ANYONE SEEKS TO FIND HIS LIFE WILL LOOSE IT, BUT ANYONE WHO LOOSES HIS LIFE FOR ME WILL FIND IT.

Why do I constantly hear so many Christians saying, I’M JUST NOT HAPPY, or I FEEL UNLOVED, or I WANT THEM TO ACT THIS WAY OR DO THIS, or I FEEL DISCONNECTED, or I NEED YOU TO DO THIS OR SAY THIS, or IF THEY DON’T ACT THIS WAY THEN I’M JUST GOING TO LEAVE?

What is all that talk? That’s not the Jesus way. That’s the way of the selfish world.

Why can’t I see the extremeness of my self-absorption? Because, I grow up this way! I’m used to living by what I feel. I’m used to thinking about what will please my flesh or ego. I’m used to seeing and wanting. In this lies the FOG of self-absorption.

I’m so focused on what makes me happy, how this person hurt me, how I want this but can’t get it, how unhappy I am, how nominal my life is, how these people don’t include me, how nothing is done my way, how this will make me feel good. In it all I loose sight of Jesus. I loose sight of reality, truth, life, and the way. Then people wonder why they feel so lost, so distant and disconnected.

The problem is that most are so blinded by the fog of self-absorption that they can’t see the truth and reality of their situation. They can’t see that much of their problem is excessive focus on themselves and that much of their perceived unmet needs are really just exaggerated concerning their priority/necessity and are the result of not doing things the Jesus way.

Only the Jesus way sets me free; truly free. Only the Jesus way brings me true happiness, true satisfaction, true meaning, and even glory.

Jesus never said to focus on self. He said to DENY YOURSELF DAILY. Jesus never said to fix your eyes on self. He said to FIX YOUR EYES ON JESUS. Jesus never said to focus on pleasing yourself. He said to THEREFORE, I URGE YOU, BROTHERS, IN VIEW OF GOD'S MERCY, TO OFFER YOUR BODIES AS LIVING SACRIFICES, HOLY AND PLEASING TO GOD—THIS IS YOUR SPIRITUAL ACT OF WORSHIP (We're to please God).


So many of us say, I BELIEVE IN JESUS, or I FOLLOW JESUS, or I BELIEVE WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS, but we don’t live this way. We don’t live according to our values. We live according to our feelings/desires, and most of those feelings/desires are focused on what self feels/wants, not what Jesus feels/wants.

You see, if I feel unloved. My natural selfish response would be to withhold love, but Jesus teaches to love even those who hate us and are our enemy. I admit this is not easy, but the reason it’s hard isn’t an issue of the labor of application, but instead is an issue of breaking out of the old self-pleasing way of doing things. The old way that always puts self first… what will make me happy, feel good, feel vindicated, feel pleasured, feel satisfied, feel free, you name the label.

When we act selfishly it goes against the nature of God. To put it in musical terms, to act selfishly is to play a note that is not in harmony with the chord/song that God is playing. It’s an off sound that doesn’t go with the music.

Not only does our selfish/self-absorbed living offend God, but it’s out of harmony with the God life, therefore we don’t experience what God wants for us and instead experience far less. Then most of us want to blame God. How silly.

Not only does our selfish/self-absorbed living offend God, but it offends others. Society/Civilization only works when people live selflessly, keeping God first and caring about others. The more self-absorbed/selfish a society gets the more offended the people are and the more disharmony you’ll experience in both severity and quantity. Whether we’re talking about a home or a nation or a world, this truth prevails. Selfishness destroys.

So many people are hurting, but they don’t see that whether that hurt is legitimate or just a perceived hurt (due to an unmet expectation) they are continuing the hurting. By focusing in on self they are staying hurt, magnifying it, even increasing it.

Many fail to see that by chasing after the fulfillment of their Ego Desire, Flesh Desire, or Eye Desire they will only increase the pain and hurt. By chasing after that possession they will only end up financially distressed, not to mention that possession will still leave them unfulfilled. By chasing after that other person, because they’re unhappy in their marriage, will only end up making their marriage worse, never better. By fearing rejection and never confronting a problem in a relationship we only end up enabling the problem to continue and it continues to hurt us. By being negative about things we end up reaping the seed we sow and our experience will be negative. On and on we fail to see the consequence or effect of our self-absorbed living.

Only when our focus gets off of self and on to Jesus (who is the way, truth and life) will we be able to see things as they truly are, experience life to the full, and know the way to this fulfilling life.

The path of true fulfillment, meaning, and happiness are not found on the wide road of selfishness, but instead on the narrow road of selflessness. Jesus told us few would find this road, because the bottom line is, while many say LORD, LORD, not all DO THE WILL OF THE FATHER (Matthew 7:21)

So, here are some practical steps to burn away the fog of self-absorbed living…

1. Pray and ask God to show you how you’ve been selfish lately and especially to show you in the times where your being selfish.

2. Read the scriptures faithfully, especially the New Testament.

3. Decide to not speak negatively, but instead develop the lifestyle of looking at the good and potential in things and people.

4. Start to praise and thank God for all you have, all his blessings, all the ways he’s worked in your life and the lives of those you know. So, praise God, not just for you, but for others as well. Develop the habit of praising and thanking God all day every day in all things.

5. Pray for God’s blessing upon those people or circumstances you struggle with.

6. Pray in all circumstances to see things as God sees them. (As you become more knowledgeable of the Bible, you’ll know some of these answers without asking.)

7. Always keep the question in your mind, even in front of your eyes if necessary, WHAT WOULD PLEASE JESUS IN THIS CIRCUMSTANCE or AM I PLEASING JESUS BY WHAT I’M THINKING, SAYING, AND DOING?

When we do these things, when we do things the Jesus way, we will get the results he promised… LIFE TO THE FULL, A YOKE THAT IS EASY AND BURDEN THAT IS LIGHT.

The yoke most of us are tied to is hard and the burden is more than heavy, it is unbearable. We feel depressed, exhausted, like we can’t go on, like it’s not worth living, like we want to escape, angry, let down, unloved, stressed, and so much more all because we’ve never taken the yoke of Jesus and carry his burden; we’re still holding on to our own burden. The thing is, we were supposed to give that to Jesus when we became a Christian. We were supposed to have surrendered and given Him our whole life. We were supposed to have LOST OURSELVES FOR HIM, giving up the old yoke of self-absorbed living and all that comes with it and taking on the new yoke of simply living to please Jesus alone, doing things his way, seeing things his way, feeling things his way, thinking things his way.

I could say so much more, but you get the point. I pray God will help us all to hear his voice calling us to… Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. (James 4:7-10)

I do want to make one thing clear: The selfless life is not carrying the burdens of other people (living to make them happy, living to please them, living to be the answer to whatever crisis or circumstance they find themselves in). No the selfless life (the opposite of self-absorbed living) is to carry the burden of one (living to make Jesus happy, pleasing Jesus, and being His answer to whatever particular situation he desires to use you in).

When we decide we will no longer live selfishly it doesn’t mean we take on this life and perspective that just works and stresses itself to death to please and care for other people and never caring for ourselves.

It all starts and ends with Jesus. When we decide to no longer be absorbed with self (in a positive view of self or negative view of self) we are simply putting Jesus first; his pleasure, his glory, and his burden.

The great thing about the Jesus way is that we recognize we’re not God and can’t do it all. Jesus isn’t asking us to do anything FOR him, he’s asking us to do things WITH him, and it makes all the difference in the world. Now I don’t carry the burden of the outcome. I don’t carry the burden of pleasing everyone, making sure they all make the right decisions, making sure they’re all happy and cared for. Now I’m free to love them all and prayerfully be lead by Jesus on what to get involved in, who to try to help and in what way.

We don’t stress about caring for and pleasing others or ourselves. We trust God to meet our every need (and some desires) and to use us as he sees fit to bless and help others grow in the Jesus way.

sex after marriage

I've been in the ministry for 16.5 years. Of that I've pastored 11.5 years. I've been married almost 9 years.
In this time frame I've done much marriage counseling and there are some pretty stereotypical issues you'll hear and have to address. I've heard enough both stereotypical issues and some very non-stereotypical issues that nothing really suprizes me... and I can usually see both points of view and help people make some sense of their problems... there always is two sides to every story and always something that each spouse can work on to make the marriage better.

But, I never understand one continuously resurfacing issue among married couples... Why is it, that majority of married couples couldn't keep themselves off each other to such a degree that most have sex before their married, and that quite often, but once they get married it would seem that there is this switch that gets flipped in a woman and all of the sudden they don't seem to understand or care how big of a deal sex is to their man.

Most women dress with some cleavage showing, a little midriff exposed, perhaps a little leg, prettied up with makeup, nails, and a hair job. Why? What's the point of putting it out there if their not going to put out? And I mean put out to their husbands.

And if they have no intention of putting out, why show off in a way that gets a guys attention? Unless, they are trying to get ANOTHER guys attention.

You can tell me that your husband doesn't meet your emotional needs or is a jerk or doesn't make enough money or doesn't father the kids right or whatever... and use this as the excuse for why your marriage sucks and why you don't feel very desirous for sex, but why then ditty up to be attractive catching both your husbands and other mens attention?

The fact is to all the men I've ever talked to sex is a big deal.

The bottom line, is while I hear regularly from disgruntled couples about how finances, communication, and kids are a problem and I can understand from both spouses perspective, I never understand why a woman thinks that having infrequant to no sexual relations shouldn't matter or make a difference in the marriage, especially since they can "justify it".

But, for these poor husbands that are struggling with a LOOK BUT DON'T TOUCH wife they are ANGRY. That's right! They tell me they have a lot of anger and resentment toward their wives. This hostility is obviously unhealthy and destructive to the marriage.

And, because they are normal healthy males they have sexual desires that are teased and unmet making the temptation to stray or lust all the more powerful.

Yes, I believe that there is no excuse for a man to compromise and cave in to sexual temptation. Yes, I believe there are many things some of these husbands need to improve on and start doing to romance and care for their wife and family.

But, shouldn't this sex thing be an understood thing? Didn't both of you want to have before marriage?

Now the other side of the coin... First let me say, that if you're a woman in a marriage where the guy is a dictator like jerk who is very unloving, mean, even abusive, selfish, and leaving you feel wounded and abandoned... I completely understand why you wouldn't want to even touch the man let alone have sex with him. And, I also understand the hidden emotional need that tempts you to find gratification in the attention and affection from other men. I'm not condoning any adulterous behavior, but I understand the factors and the pull they have.

I do understand that sex for a woman is not just a physical act for personal pleasure... and it was never intended by the Creator to be just that, so the normal woman, if there is not some kind of emotional connection will not feel like having sex. Bottom line! And the more anger and coldness that comes between her and her husband the lack of desire only increases.

Many men forget the fact that they wooed their wife to get her to marry him. The swept her off her feet and made her feel like she was the most important and beautiful person in the world. Then they get married and focus all their attention on work and hobbies. Then they wonder why their wife doesn't want to have sex on a frequent basis.

It would seem to me that both husbands and wives are forgetting what it took to catch their mate... and failing to understand that it will take that to keep them.

I'm so blessed in my marriage, but it breaks my heart as I see couple after couple growing apart instead of closer together.

I see the men dropping the relational ball, with a consequence they don't like. They cease wooing their wives and thus cease to get what they desire, but instead are met with coldness, resentment, anger, hostility, divorce, or an affair.

I see women dropping the sexual ball, with the a consequence they don't like. They cease to capture their husbands affection and attraction and the cease to get the relational intrest and care they desire, but instead are met with resentment, anger, hostility, coldness, divorce, or an affair.

Often this condition can be seen, but then the argument comes of who will pick of the ball first. While I lean heavily on men to be the leader in their home I also have this to say... If you see the problem, don't wait for someone else to initiate and fix it, you pick up the ball and start working on your part.

Matthew 5 and Matthew 18 tell us if we know some one is hurt by us or that we hurt them, we aren't to wait until they come to us or until they do their part. No, we are to step up and go to them and do our part.

My prayers are that we will wake up to how God wired each of us and how Satan is exploiting our differnces using our selfishness to bring division and destruction to our family relationships.