Zoe Hatcher's Blog

I had a dream last night. (You ought to ask my husband, I do have crazy dreams...) It was so real, I could feel it. I dreamt my family was attacked and only I made it out alive and was sold into slavery. I had many different cruel masters. I worked in the fields. I was sold as a sex slave. I was a slave at a governor's house. I was a slave in a print shop. In each place, I was beaten and there was not much of my spirit left. Finally, I was on the run with a band of slaves trying to gain their freedom. I had done this before only to be caught, beaten and sold to another cruel master. We saw some people coming. We ran into a large building and hid under some chairs. The people came in and started looking under the chairs. They found the others one by one. But they passed me over. I was so afraid. But the ones they found, they weren't screaming or running. It was acutally fairly quiet. Suddenly, the lights came on. I shrank back and put my hands over my face just like a child, hoping they wouldn't see me. I heard someone calling my name. I kept thinking, "Shhh, they'll find me." But they kept saying, "It's alright now, come on out." So tenatively, I crawled out of hiding. I stood and looked around. I was amazed. There were all my friends smiling. They brought me to a chair near the front and lavished me with gifts. I was still shocked and didn't quite know what to think. Then everyone got quiet. In a side door walked my husband. I thought he was long gone. I didn't move, I thought he was a mirage. He was smiling, and said, "It's alright now, it's over. You're free!" He had somehow escaped death and bought me back. My last and final master. I looked down and gathered around me were my children, healthy and happy. He had protected them. And I started sobbing. Remembering how awful it was, what I had been through, and now it was over. Really over. And not only that, but now here I was, with my friends, my children and my wonderful husband who saved me. Then I woke up. And as always, it takes me a minute to convince myself that it was a dream. I was safe in my bed and it didn't happen. Then it hit me, it was true. I was a slave, cowering, hiding. I had One who loves me, who I was separated from, come for me. And buy me back. I wonder if that's what Heaven will be like. Briefly remembering the pain that I left, and then the joy in seeing my Savior's face. Knowing that it's over. It's done, and I'm free. Gathered around me are the saints and my children in the faith. And just sobbing, laying all the gifts and my tears down to Him. Because I know I don't deserve it. I chose that slavery. I sold myself, and I stayed for a time because I liked it. But when I tried to run away, I was captured again and again. I needed a Savior. And He came.

Being a Christian, I've been around people a lot more than I probably would be if I were not a Christian. Probably because I'm commanded to be... If I had the choice, I would just hole up with a good book. LOL This wonderful art of fellowship can bring awesome times of encouragement that leave you buzzing all day. And sometimes it can leave you feeling burned. I wonder why it is when you try to get more than three Christians together (especially when they're from three different churches) for more than three hours, a coup is sure to follow. We have more "personal convictions" than hairs on our heads and they all happen to stick out like quills. And as long as your quills look like mine, we're good. But give me a minute, you're sure to step on my toes and the quills will start flying. It makes me sick to my stomach. We might as well have a sign around our neck that says, "Beware of Christian. Offends easily." And that can mean be offended and offend others... Being raised in a non-Christian family, I've seen nastiness. But I never saw it with a smile until I started hanging around church. Don't get me wrong, I love Christians, church people, and especially my beautiful Christian friends. But sometimes I do feel like I'm back in middle school. We have the cliques and the immaturity. It's like we're a part of this big Christian Yearbook that has each one of our pictures in it and under our picture is our specific "brand" of Christianity. Complete with our preferences that are always hanging out and we yell at people when they trip over them. Here's Joe: a conservative, republican, fox-news watching Christian. Don't be liberal around him. Here's Jack: a cool, contemporary, tolerant Christian. Don't be old and set in your ways around him. Here's Jean: a stay at home, homeschooling mom Christian. Don't be a public school teacher career mom around her. There's Paula: a vegan, social activist Christian. Don't be like Joe around her. What's even crazier is when Joe and Jean get together and say that Paula can't be a Christian because she doesn't eat meat. Or when John the catholic can't be a Christian because he's not baptist like me. Or when Pat the secular music listener, long hair wearer, occasional drinker can't possibly be saved. Or how Jill couldn't possibly know the Lord like I do, because she wears skirts and head coverings and doesn't cut her hair. Who died and made it Great White Throne Judgment time? Convictions are convictions for a reason; I'm not knocking them. If they come from time spent with the Lord, and the Holy Spirit allowing or not allowing something into your life for your edification. But if they come from habit, tradition passed down, or something that someone (or yourself) has forced upon you in guilt, then they're just bunk. And they are certainly not something to cram down someone else's throat because you think you've become their personal Holy Spirit. I've heard people defend themselves, saying they're "standing by their convictions", but I've seen many of them (including me, I'm a work in progress) end up standing on their island... alone. Because no one can live up to something the Lord hasn't even asked of them. There are things that are indisputable. I won't get into them; read the Word, and you'll find out. And I'm not talking about sin. I am talking about preference. The word calls these things "disputable matters".

Romans 14:1 -

Accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgment on disputable matters.

This is preference that becomes law in many of our hearts. I've always struggled with the "law". When I realize that what I'm struggling with is self-imposed, because Jesus set us free from that, I have to come to Him again and be cleaned out. I have to stop acting like a Christian and just BE one. It says to "Accept him whose faith is weak, WITHOUT PASSING JUDGMENT..." (And why is it usually the one whose faith is weak is passing the judgment... hmmm...) And in my opinion (because that's what these wonderful blogs are about, right? ;), if it comes down to holding onto your rules or holding your brothers and sisters close, I think I know what Jesus would choose.

Another thing I've been reading everyday in the One Year Bible, is the psalms. Boy can I relate to David and those guys... So this is what I read today:

Psalms 39

39:1 I said, "I will watch my ways and keep my tongue from sin; I will put a muzzle on my mouth as long as the wicked are in my presence."

39:2 But when I was silent and still, not even saying anything good, my anguish increased.

39:3 My heart grew hot within me, and as I meditated, the fire burned; then I spoke with my tongue:

39:4 "Show me, O Lord, my life's end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting is my life.

39:5 You have made my days a mere handbreadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you. Each man's life is but a breath. Selah

39:6 Man is a mere phantom as he goes to and fro: He bustles about, but only in vain; he heaps up wealth, not knowing who will get it.

39:7 "But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you.

39:8 Save me from all my transgressions; do not make me the scorn of fools.

39:9 I was silent; I would not open my mouth, for you are the one who has done this.

39:10 Remove your scourge from me; I am overcome by the blow of your hand.

39:11 You rebuke and discipline men for their sin; you consume their wealth like a moth-- each man is but a breath. Selah

39:12 "Hear my prayer, O Lord, listen to my cry for help; be not deaf to my weeping. For I dwell with you as an alien, a stranger, as all my fathers were.

39:13 Look away from me, that I may rejoice again before I depart and am no more."

Have you ever felt this way? Like, "Why did I say that..." and then felt horrible. I feel that way a lot... my stupid mouth. Apparently David did too:

I said, "I will watch my ways and keep my tongue from sin; I will put a muzzle on my mouth as long as the wicked are in my presence."

So, I've tried to just not say anything. Because anything I say is going to end up being sin, right? I will complain, gossip, slander, make fun of someone or whine. The list goes on... So then I'm just this wonderful stoic personality that everyone loves to be around, right? No, I'm a hypocrite, that loves to say, Praise God! instead of what I want to say. I'm someone who says everything's great, God is good! when I want to whine. So then I don't say anything. I praise God to myself and I don't share my feelings or thoughts with anyone but Him. I don't want to sin, right? Then David says:

39:2

But when I was silent and still, not even saying anything good, my anguish increased.

39:3 My heart grew hot within me, and as I meditated, the fire burned; then I spoke with my tongue: 39:4 "Show me, O Lord, my life's end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting is my life. 39:5 You have made my days a mere handbreadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you. Each man's life is but a breath. You may say, David, man, you just need some Prozac. But really, maybe he and I are the only ones in the universe who has felt this way, but if you have you understand. If you share how you feel, how you're doing, you sin, if you don't share, you get pretty depressed. 39:7 "But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you. This is what it comes down to. If I'm not pouring it out to God on a daily basis, then yes, I sin or hold it in. We were meant to share. And if we don't in any relationship, we lose intimacy. Try to keep a friendship going on a just "God is good!" basis. Or a marriage on a "How was work?" basis. You end up pretty shallow. And with God. If you just bring your laundry list and check out, you're going to wonder why you're wasting your time. And if it doesn't begin with Him, you pouring out those whines, gossips and complaints, He doesn't have time to set you straight with them before you say them. As Joyce Meyer would say: "Think about what you're thinking about." If I don't minute by minute pour out those things to God, they will come out of my mouth. And if they don't go through His filter, then we get impurities in our speech. The encouragements come through, even the real confessions come through. We are supposed to confess our sins to one another. I think our intention is a big factor. Why are we saying this to this person? Do they have anything to do with this situation? Or do I just want to vent... And if I vent to them, how will it affect them? Will confessing this to them keep me honest? Or do I not want to confess it because of pride... So does this mean I can be a real person with people without sinning? I don't know, but I'm gonna try...

I've been reading through the one year bible, and now in the Old Testament portion, I'm on Job. Job is a hard book for anyone to read at the best of times. But any time I've tried to figure out my questions (like why did God point out Job to satan? Why did God allow satan to attack him that way? Why would he want Job tested in that way? Could this happen to me?) The truth is that I don't know the answers and really don't want to know the answers. Maybe that's the fear in me. But I find that like Job's friends, whenever I try to answer any spiritual question, I end up in some blogged or journaled soliloquy about what I know. When really in the end I find out that I know nothing. Maybe that's why I haven't posted a blog in so long... I realize that talking about something like you know the answers, sometimes can sound a little...um...haughty. Especially when you find out you don't know what you're talking about. Job's friends went on what they knew about God, which was limited, and tried to encourage Job, but ended up preaching to him. And in the end, they were corrected. So, I can offer what I know, what I've lived, which isn't much in the scheme of things. But in the end. God's the one to clear things up.
Probably more often I've been on the end of Job. Not losing everything I have, by any means. But having all the questions, and trying to figure things out. And when you don't hear any answers, making up your own. And then in the end, getting lambasted by God, because I couldn't just wait on Him. I couldn't just trust Him to tell me what I needed to know. I couldn't let His nature and what I knew of Him already be enough. I have journal entries that go on for 12 pages of whining, and it's like God saying, "Ok, are you done? Here's what happened... And here's your part in it." My husband thinks I'm neurotic, with love, I'm sure... ;) But sometimes I get so emotionally congested that it takes me breaking down where I finally realize I've reached system failure. When I can't go on any more until I get alone with God and work out all of my baggage. And until, I've unpacked each item, unfolded it, and aired it out, I can't think straight. It happens about once a month... Ladies, anyone? :) I would love for it to not be a part of who I am. Glory to glory, right? But there are some parts of Job and the psalms where I just think, yeah... that's how I feel. God wants us to be others focused, not self-focused, so I frustrate myself when I have to take that time. Why can't I just suck it up? Go out and serve somebody with a smile on your face! And sometimes I do, but usually I'm seething underneath. And everyone can tell... That my smile is really baring my teeth... :) So I guess this rambling is trying to say, that I need time alone with God. That closet time that everyone tells us we're supposed to have but I never get to have until it's too late. And then you don't know what to say because you've been functioning on E for a month, and you really have nothing left talk about. Because it's been a month... I'll have to do something about that... And that I've figured out that I don't have it all figured out. Praise God!

I once had someone ask me, "Who are you?" I never thought such a simple sounding question could throw me. "Well, I'm a wife, a mother... Uhhh...", "I mean besides that. Who are you aside from being a wife and a mother?" She was basically saying...Is that all you are? It left me with the wind knocked out of me... If you know me, you know I'm a thinker. I probably think too much... So I thought about this. That was eight years ago and I still think about it. "Who am I?" Have you ever filled out one of those surveys, Myspace and forwards are full of them. In fact I do have one on my Myspace... ;) You know the ones, what is your favorite ice cream and who do you like to watch sunsets with and such. Things that people that really know you would know about you anyway. It's just a way in our not-so-close close world of internet we can get to know each other really fast without wading through the day to day muck of relationships. Anyway, I never really know what to put on those things. I just put the usual pieces of me... I like vanilla ice cream and watching sunsets with my husband (I know I'm boring)... But though 1,000 people may read my survey, will they ever know me? The real me? And now we're back to square one... I'm left feeling like the rich young ruler. Confused and saddened. "You mean I can't just follow you dragging all my pieces, Jesus?" Who is that "me" exactly? Well, I've got a good list. Things I do. I'm a Christ-follower, a wife and mother, a homeschool teacher, a housekeeper, etc... But these are my pieces. Most days I walk through life deluded thinking these pieces are who I really am. The sum of the pieces. Especially if one of these pieces is ever removed. Man, does that shake me up. Don't take away one of my pieces! That's who I am! Right? And to take that away meant I was no longer whole right? Because I am the sum, and now I don't add up. There can be the viewpoint also of feeling the missing piece and knowing you don't have it yet. I don't have that home I want...yet... I'm not plugged into a ministry to use this gift... yet... I still don't have that car... yet... We can always feel not quite whole whether something has been released, taken away, or we just haven't received it yet. I've realized, that's when those things are edging into an idol position. Why is it that we need something tangible to see? To chase them down, hold up and show someone, "Here, I found it. This is who I am!" Something tangible to worship. We were reading to the kids today about when Moses came down from the mount from 6 weeks with God. You want to talk about a mountaintop experience... And then he sees the Israelites dancing around the golden calf. And got so mad he shattered the tablets of God's law. All it took was 6 weeks, the one they had been following, Moses (to some their idol) was gone. What are they going to do? Who can they see to worship? That was back in the days when everyone saw their gods. Most of them were statues. Exciting, I bet many of those statues laid down their lives... uhhh... Say the Israelites had been asked the question by an introspective Egyptian, "Who are you?" "Uhhh... I'm a Hebrew, I worship a God that you can't see. I'm a brick maker... That's about it." They would be reaching for their household gods to show them. Some thoughts:
Job 17:11 -
My days have passed, my plans are shattered, and so are the desires of my heart.
Ps 37:4 -
Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Eph 4:22 -
You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires;
Ro 12:3 -
For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.
1Ti 6:6 -
But godliness with contentment is great gain.

And my absolute favorite verse of all time:

Gal 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

You may wonder where I'm going with this... We are so much more than just pieces. Than just fulfilled and unfulfilled desires. Woman, you are still a woman if you lose all of your hair. Man, you are still a man if you've lost your job. Note Gal. 2:20 "I NO LONGER LIVE, BUT CHRIST LIVES IN ME." He has redeemed the pieces of our lives. We are definitely not our pieces, our little hobbies and facets of our life that tend to define us. We are not the sum, we are whole. We have been replaced, you see. I still don't know what to say exactly the next time some artsy poet asks me who I am, but I do know that I can confidently say, "I don't know who I am, really. That's not as important as the fact that Christ fills me, and that's all I need."

Joshua 21: "44 The LORD GAVE THEM REST on every side, just as he had SWORN to their forefathers. Not ONE of their enemies withstood them; the LORD handed ALL their enemies over to them. 45 Not ONE of all the LORD's GOOD PROMISES to the house of Israel failed; EVERY ONE WAS FULFILLED."

I was taught to ask God too much was being pretentious. He's given us enough as it is, right? And who am I to think I deserve anything? These things are true... To a point. I am no one. And I deserve death. But... In Christ I'm a co-heir with Him. Not through anything I've done. The only thing I did was call out to him. The only thing I keep doing is surrendering to Him. That's the beauty. That's why Christ is worthy of being praised. What he did was very costly to Him (just watch the Passion this week to be reminded...) He made us righteous. Because he loves us. He knows that the Father is faithful to his promises to the righteous. He wanted us to share in that. So he died for us so that we could recieve that cleansing and the righteousness. And share in the promises of God. Wow. A much cheaper illustration would be that we are dirty homeless people and Christ is our sponsor into the country club. So we get to golf and swim and play tennis, not because we're rich, but because we know who we're with... Just a thought...
Study the promises of God. Know what Christ's sacrifice bought for you. And thank Him...

This new series on relationships has got me thinking. I know that I can be a hermit if I really want to. If given the choice, I would just stay home cooking or something... Never venturing out into the world where I would have to rub shoulders with people. People who annoy me, challenge me, tire me or embarrass me. But then there are the people that I love, people who love me, challenge me, delight me and encourage me. Ahh... It's a struggle... Wouldn't it be nice, I say to myself, to not have to deal with people. To just hide in my hole and only come out once a year to cheers like a groundhog. I think I get it honest. From my own selfish human nature and from my family. I have family and friends that prefer to live alone, and to bring anyone into that equation is always disastrous. To adjust to someone else's idiosyncrasies is always tough. Usually you can get through that if you love the person. But it's the flip side that can get to me. The fact that other people have to deal with me and that they might not like what they have to deal with. I mean, really, if I'm annoyed with other people, I know they're going to be annoyed by me. Rejection... Putting yourself out there with all fear of being shot down, ignored or not liked. Not liked. There are probably some people I just don't like. I can't think of many. But to think I could be that person for someone else... Scary... It's really quite controlling, I guess. To assume that I should always be liked by everyone. I guess the bad thing would be disliked by someone I like very much. It's all very middle school. That's where rejection has a real face on it. I was picked on quite a bit, but who wasn't? It was ok to not be liked by the jerk that called me "Egor", but when one of my friends joined in... Oh... Straight to the heart... So I guess from that point we either shake it off, mature and say, "oh well, their loss." Or we crawl into a hole. I've heard hell described as a state devoid of relationships. With people and most importantly God. People can get on my nerves, but could you imagine, never, ever being known. The knowledge that comes from putting yourself out there, and someone else putting themselves out there, and you're accepted. And they're accepted by you. It's a beautiful thing. And I'm blessed to have experienced it. Relationships can hurt, but they can be the most precious thing you'll ever experience. I guess in the end, I would rather have a few scraped knees and busted lips in the relationship arena, knowing that when I leave the ring, there's no loss, I'm loved. I've risked and loved and some one's loved me and God loves me...